4 Styles of Communication and How They Impact Relationships
Communication style differences are inherent in relationships and can cause trouble depending on how different or how dysfunctional they are.
The most functional relationships have a high degree of similarity or compatibility in their major values, communication, and goals. When communication styles differ, most people argue. They try to change the other person to get them to be more like themselves. The more we try to change another person, the more frustrated they become with us. Conflict ensues and couples end up tired and withdrawn.
The 4 Styles of Communication (Healthiest to Unhealthiest)
Assertive:
You believe your needs and wants are legitimate and express them clearly and directly.
You are not afraid to ask for what you want, respectfully.
You are mindful of your delivery, respecting how it will be experienced by the other person.
You know where you end, and the other person begins.
The recipient feels respected and valued, and is more likely to be attentive to your needs and responsive to you. This style builds trust and reliability. Each partner knows they can access the other. Both leave conversations feeling understood and willing to work toward resolutions.
Passive:
You aren’t certain your needs and wants are legitimate and have trouble asking for them.
It may be very anxiety provoking to speak directly or at all.
You may spend a lot of time worrying about the other person’s opinion, rehearsing the conversation, and behaving timid in your delivery.
The recipient may not know what you are saying, leaving both of you feeling confused or unfulfilled.
Aggressive:
You want something and are not afraid to do it at the other person’s expense.
You are not acting in the best interest of the other person, only your own.
Your words may be hurtful, verbally abusive, or intending to jab the other person.
This style is often used as a means to an end and then rationalized as acceptable behavior by the communicator.
You may express yourself loudly, harshly, while swearing or gesturing, talk over the other person, or behave manipulatively.
The recipient ends up feeling violated or betrayed. They may lash out in return. They may experience anxiety around you, for fear of being treated harshly. They may become depressed as they give up their own wants and needs to control for your emotional reactivity. They may change their behavior, attempting to keep you calm so their lives will feel easier in the short-term. Overtime, they will likely develop anxiety and/or depression, fear you, lose respect for you, and/or withdraw completely.
Passive-Aggressive:
You want something but are not comfortable expressing it directly.
You may be indirect and use sarcasm or avoidance. Sarcasm is often anger coming out sideways. It drives couples apart and is experienced as emotionally abandoning. (Note: Some couples have a sarcastic sense of humor which is different. That kind of sarcasm is based on mutually enjoyable banter, nobody feels abandoned, nothing is internalized, and it is not done at the other person’s expense).
You may say you’re not feeling something (i.e. anger) and then subtly and passively take it out on the other person in an indirect or sideways manner. Sometimes it’s delayed. Anger at one thing in one moment is stored up and released negatively on someone for another reason at a different moment.
The recipient often feels confused, devalued, or disrespected. It may be difficult to tell if the speaker is being genuine and trust erodes over time.
Couples therapy teaches couples how to identify their communication styles, how they learned to be that way, and provides coaching on how to be assertive.
Assertive behavior is the healthiest and most respectful form of communication. Communication is not considered a style unless it is a pattern. Everyone is human and makes mistakes sometimes or acts out of character.
Sometimes there are moments when people are afraid to upset someone or ask for something and behave passively or avoidant:
Asking for favors.
Confronting someone about a boundary issue.
Declining an invitation.
Sometimes people feel they cannot really express their feelings for fear of retaliation and behave passive-aggressively:
Mad at your boss but can’t really tell him/her what you think/feel so you take it out on someone at home.
Upset at an in-law but afraid to stir the pot so you attend the next gathering with a forced smile but feel resentful and hurt inside. Maybe you even let a snarky comment or two slip out.
In public when you notice you want to say something but then notice there is an audience so you walk away cursing at them under your breath.
Sometimes we even behave aggressively:
Telling your kids “No” for the umpteenth time so you end up yelling.
Repeating yourself to your spouse after you’ve already had that conversation multiple times so you throw a criticism at them.
Yelling at a “bad” driver for cutting you off even though all your windows are rolled up and so are theirs. Classic road rage.
When these are infrequent moments (not a pattern), it means we are human and likely have an unmet need. We could be tired, overwhelmed, afraid, triggered by something, or just not know what to do.
It’s important to know how you communicate and the impact it has on your partner.
Couples counseling teaches respectful, assertive communication. If you need help communicating, feel free to reach out. Communication is way harder than people realize, so most people don’t know how to do it productively.
Couples who participate in therapy for communication skills report happier, more fulfilling lives after learning the tools they need to be successful.
