The Do’s and Don’ts After Discovering an Affair
Once an affair is discovered, the couple immediately enters a crisis mode. Sometimes in a haste to deal with the painful news, people make some critical decisions that can create more challenges down the road. Below are some do’s and don’ts associated with basic self-care needed after discovering an affair.
DO:
Get help. It’s preferred that people seek help from a therapist specifically trained to help with affairs. This is going to be a difficult process, and you’re going to need someone helping guide you through the anguish.
Pick a friend who will be friendly to the relationship no matter what decision you make. Although it’s tempting to scream about your pain from the rooftops, sometimes that complicates life down the road. If you decide to reconcile, people can harbor negative feelings long after you and your partner have recovered.
Make an appointment with your physician. If there is physical infidelity (someone had sex with someone else) there is a risk to your health. It’s important to rule out any sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). It’s probably best to get tested even if you’re not certain because where there is one lie there are usually more.
Create boundaries. It’s OK to sleep in separate rooms, decide that no touching is allowed, and decide who it’s OK to tell and who it’s NOT OK to tell.
DON’T:
Tell the whole world. Pick a safe person to talk to who will treat your wellbeing and your relationship with care. The last thing you need right now is bad advice or to be told what to do. This decision to stay or leave belongs to you and nobody else.
Make any immediate decisions to divorce or split up. As tempting as that might be, it’s never a good idea to make life-changing decisions during an emotional crisis. It’s ok to split up if needed, it’s just important to know that is what you want for the long term.
Run to a divorce attorney. It’s OK to leave, but it’s hard to really know what you want when you’re in crisis. Your fight, flight, and flee system is activated. The immediate decision to consult an attorney or file for divorce can make it harder to recover later, and it’s expensive. Until you’re certain, give yourself time to decide.
Isolate. Everyone needs to deal with this and doing it alone is excruciating and can worsen symptoms. Everyone needs someone safe to talk to, cry to, and be with while hurting.
Tell the kids or anyone who might tell the kids. Kids DO NOT deserve to know about infidelity, even if there is a breakup. Infidelity is an adult problem between adults; infidelity is never a child’s problem.
Affair recovery is difficult and it’s important to seek professional help quickly.
Affairs are extremely painful. People’s emotional, physical, and mental health deteriorate rapidly after such a wrenching discovery. I’ve helped countless couples navigate the pain of affairs. Please feel free to reach out for help. This is a vulnerable time, affair recovery is tedious and must be done with great care.
