My Child Has a Negative Attitude. What Can I Do To Help?

Most parents react to their kids’ attitudes with reassurance or minimization; both end up causing kids to feel dismissed.

When someone says, “Ouch, I hurt my knee,” or, “Jane really hurt my feelings when she called me names,” we typically respond with reassurances such as, “Oh no, it will be ok,” or minimizations like “Hmm, sometimes kids do that, maybe she was having a bad day,” etc. When we do this, we aren’t being present with their feelings.

The best thing we can do is learn to reflect both what they are saying and how they are feeling. For example, “Oh no, that hurt so bad. I’d cry, too. Ouch. I’m so sorry you fell and hurt yourself.” Then give them a hug, let them cry, and help them up. Another example would be, “Oh man, Jane said that to you? Wow. That’s not very nice. I can see why you’d be upset. It’s not OK to call names.”

When we reflect both what they are saying and how they are feeling, they experience validation and their nervous system calms down. Then we can work on behavioral correction, if needed.

Reflecting is a basic skill all parents can learn to do.

Some people have asked if reflecting kids will reinforce the problem or make our kids turn out to be too sensitive or unable to handle life’s challenges. This is a misnomer. Let’s do a though experiment. Think of the last time you came home from work and complained about how awful it was and heard someone say “Don’t worry about it. It will be OK.” Did you feel calmer or more irritated? More irritated for sure. Reassurance is the least form of helpfulness. It’s a form of dismissal although it isn’t intended to be. Reflecting is one tool that helps.

Kids do what they see us do, and reflect our attitude toward them in their behavior.

Another tool is to consider what we are modeling for them. Modeling is learning by observation. They watch what we do and then do it. If we are complaining, being negative or pessimistic, catastrophizing, or being anxious, our kids are watching and learning to be that way, too. Looking at what we are doing and changing it for a more positive, constructive, solution-oriented approach helps teach kids how to be more optimistic and problem solve more productively.

Reflections, modeling desirable behavior and attitudes, and talking openly about behavior are key in influencing positive attitudes in kids.

Learning to talk about feelings openly instead of complaining, swearing, or yelling makes a difference. One helpful resource is to teach kids how to recognize and name their feelings using Mood Cards. Discussions about what they feel, why, and what they can do about their feelings make a difference. Not only are we teaching them how to be more productive, but we are also teaching them emotional intelligence, and being present with them.

Everyone needs to be understood. We give our children the gift of love when we are willing to listen and reflect them. When we take it a step further and help them listen and reflect their own feelings, we influence positive coping skills that last a lifetime.

Counseling can make a huge difference in learning to understand and respond effectively to kids’ needs.

As a working mom and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I know first hand how hard it is to raise kids, and support them. Feel free to contact me to discuss your concerns and goals. Parenting counseling helps you learn to be the parent you really want to be.