Shame: Is it a Healthy Motivator?

First of all, what is shame?

Shame is that sense that there is something different about us, or that we are bad because of our differences or mistakes. We all experience it in life. Some more, some less. How much of it we internalize determines how much we struggle in life.

It’s internalized and experienced as a sense of inadequacy, something is “wrong” with us, or that feeling of “brokenness.”

A hefty dose of shame underlies all mental health issues.

Once we internalize enough shame, we must do something about it. A lot of people use shame as a motivator. It’s natural for anyone who realizes they are different, to need to overcome that pain somehow.

For some people, this will be a long, painful journey. Others of us get a little luckier not to experience so much of it as we grow through life.

Shame is overcome by learning that it’s OK to be us, and there isn’t anything bad about being different.

Accepting the self is easier said than done. Most people wrestling with shame have to work hard to retrain their thoughts, write a new story about how they see themselves, and prove to the world they are adequate.

This quest leads to different outcomes. Some people become chronic drug users, abusers, manipulators, addicts, or narcissists. Some feel completely overcome by it and never leave the basement, drown themselves in copious amounts of marijuana use, struggle to get a job or keep one, wrestle with debilitating social anxiety, or just plain think too little of themselves and don’t try much for fear of failing.

Others use their shame to compel them forward. Some become leaders of major Fortune 100 companies, CEO’s and other executives, successful business owners, athletes, physicians, and so on.

So, what is the difference between the two groups? The first group avoids their shame by hiding from it, unable or unwilling to take risks and using a lot of numbing techniques. The second group also works to avoid shame, but instead they dive into it, trying to conquer it and prove they matter by doing. Neither group feels very secure underneath it all.

Shame is a nasty beast that none of us can escape or prevent but all of us can unite against and work to overcome.

The best antidote to shame is learning to be self-compassionate, accepting of our internal challenges, and work to use it to make us a better human.

The next time you recognize that feeling of shame creeping up on you, start talking back to it in a self-compassionate way. Compassion in this sense is not pity, but the ability to empathize with and be kind to others and yourself while experiencing something challenging.

Pay attention to your thoughts and what you say to yourself. Ask yourself, “Would I say this to my child? To a trusted and admired mentor? To a friend?” If the answer is, “No,” then you know shame is talking. What would you say to those you care about? That’s your target.

So, is shame a healthy motivator?

I guess it depends on how you look at it, and if you’re willing to accept it as part of human nature. We can no more rid ourselves of shame than we can rid ourselves of gravity, at least not at this stage in the evolution of humanity.

Villainizing shame won’t eliminate it, nor will glorifying it. The key is to learn to recognize it, stop ourselves from cycling in it, and quit passing it from one person to another, and from one generation to the next.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I am intimately familiar with shame and it’s negative impact to the self and one’s goals. Having wrestled with it as a result of my own upbringing, I’ve learned what it is, how to spot it, stop it, and replace its noisy voice with compassion and empathy to create a calm within. Through anxiety therapy, I’ve helped countless people learn to understand and untangle themselves from shame to achieve their goals and establish inner peace. Please feel free to reach out. We can discuss your needs and goals.