The 4 “Cancers” that Predict Relationship Failure.
How to spot the four horsemen and what to do to start changing them.
Cancers in a relationship are referred to the “Four Horsemen,” and they destroy relationships over time. John and Julie Gottman are pioneers in the field of relationship counseling. They have given us so much helpful information that predicts relationship success and failure. Read on to find out what the four horsemen are and how to stop them before they destroy your relationship or deteriorate it any further.
Criticism
Criticism comes in different forms, but the common thread is any statement that is disparaging in its tone or wording. Some examples are being critical of your partner, making disparaging statements about their personality, putting them down, name calling, making assumptions without knowing what their intentions are. Most people either learn criticism in their families growing up or the develop it over time because they are frustrated and not getting their needs met. Either way, it’s destructive.
Example: You never do the dishes. You’re so lazy, don’t follow through, or finish what you started. You’re unreliable.
The antidote: make a complaint instead. Leave all the nastiness out. You can communicate, ask for a need, or set a boundary with kindness and still be effective.
Ex: I thought you said you’d do the dishes. Is that still the plan?
Ex: I’m really frustrated with the dishes. I feel like I’ve been doing them a lot lately and could really use some help. Is that possible?
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the unwillingness or inability to be accountable for your own role in the problem. Instead of owning your part, you’re invested in trying to decrease your own pain and shame by making statements that somehow “even the score.” Defensiveness is a roadblock to problem-solving. All it does is invite war and doubles the conflict that started the conversation. It disconnects couples, and leaves people angrier or lonelier.
Ex: I just did them. I do them all the time. I’m not the only one here who forgets to do their chores. You still haven’t finished the laundry, it’s sitting in the chair. The trash is overflowing, and the bathroom is a mess. Why am I getting blamed when you don’t do your part either? (Notice the blame-shifting and tangenting to other subjects).
The antidote: be accountable and do one thing at a time.
Ex: I’m sorry about that. I can work on them in a few minutes. I was distracted by work and time got away from me. I wasn’t trying to frustrate you. I’m overwhelmed, too.
Then you can talk about the other chores that aren’t getting done in a separate conversation.
Ex: I’m noticing the laundry is still in the chair, do you have plans to finish that or need some help? (Notice this goes back to making a respectful complaint, not a criticism).
3. Contempt
Contempt is the nastiness you hear in someone’s tone. It’s the “I’m better than you” tone that demeans another person. Contempt is extremely painful and quickly leads to relationships dissolving. It’s the hardest to come back from because it teaches the partner that you don’t respect, like, or care about them. It changes their view of themself in a very negative way. It’s cutting to the soul. It can look or sound like eyerolling, sarcasm, cynicism, and other hateful behaviors or tones.
Ex: Yeah, sure you were (going to finish those dishes). I’ve heard that before (eyeroll).
Ex: Well, you’ve made it clear that work is always more important than I am (sarcastic with an eyeroll).
Ex: Whatever, you’re so full of (insert swear word). I’ll see it when I believe it.
The antidote: identify and describe the underlying unmet need or want. Express emotion and the request respectfully and with understanding.
Ex: I’m hearing that you’re distracted with work again. That seems to be happening more and more lately. I’m starting to become frustrated. I really need your helping working out a system that can help us find some balance during your busy season. Can we please sit down and come up with a plan?
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the act of withdrawing and the inability to self-soothe during conflict. It’s when you start to get overwhelmed or give off cues that you’re not listening to your partner. Sometimes it occurs in response to criticism, or when you feel bad and start becoming defensive. It’s that place where you’re struggling to self-soothe and stay engaged in the conversation and can look like crossing your arms, picking up you phone, changing the subject, or walking away.
Ex: You are doing your thing, and hear your partner start in on you with what feels like more of the same critical cycles. You start thinking to yourself, “Here we go again. I don’t want to deal with this. Whatever I say is going to make it worse, so I’m just going to stay quiet.”
Ex: You’ve been listening and are starting to have had all you can take. You start fidgeting, crossing your arms, and looking for a way to end the conversation.
Ex: You are in pain and start thinking of the most hateful thing you can say or do to shut your partner down. All you want to do is end the conversation. Then you drop that bomb. Conversation successfully ended. Painful days of silence begin.
The antidote: work on self-soothing and ask for what you need to help you stay engaged.
Ex: Hold on. This is getting difficult. I cannot keep up with you. Can we please slow down and talk about one thing at a time?
Ex: Hold on a second. I know this is important but I’m getting overwhelmed. Can we please go slower so I can take notes on what the problem is? (Grab a notebook and slow down).
Ex: Pause. I just got really triggered. I don’t think I can be productive. Can we please take a 20-minute break so I can gather my thoughts and respond productively?
How to best implement the antidotes during times of conflict.
Obviously, in the heat of the moment, it’s hard to remember what to say or do. First, go through and list out how you play into each of these four problems. Then, pick a place to start. Practice a line that works for you when you’re not upset and promise yourself to use it next time you start to feel upset. Better to pause at the beginning of the upset instead of trying to put the train back on the tracks once it has derailed and is on fire.
Relationships that have been in conflict cycles for a while need to change and that’s not easy. Over time, these cycles destroy relationships, and these four horsemen are some of the biggest predictors of relationship failure/divorce. If you’re doing them, it’s akin to having cancer. Most people will act quickly if they find out they have cancer; it’s important to do the same in your relationship. These mistakes are common and treatable.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist I have specialized training and experiencing with couples therapy. Feel free to call and discuss your needs.
