What Makes Communication in Relationships so Difficult?

Communication Breakdowns Result from Emotional Hijackings.

What makes communication so difficult? For starters, our emotional system tends to do the driving. The emotional system is controlled by emotions, not principles. When our emotions hijack us, we are at the mercy of our emotional system to determine how we handle a situation or conversation. If you’re angry, you may yell, interrupt, talk over your partner, ignore what they are saying and be listening to respond with what you want to say next instead of responding to what they are saying or feeling. If you’re sad, you may complain, cry, have trouble talking, or withdraw. If you’re anxious, you may stutter, have trouble finding the right words to express what you mean, get overwhelmed, or shutdown. Communication becomes unproductive when our emotional system is doing the driving.

Separating the emotional system and the thinking brain is key to communicating productively.

We have two systems inside of us: the emotional system, and the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for thinking, reasoning, morals, values, and principles). Humans struggle to keep these two systems separate. We use our emotional systems to respond, and that drives our behavior.

Once our emotional system kicks on, the hijacking begins. We stop listening and start thinking of everything we want to say in response. That disconnects us. Our emotional reactivity is defining our responses and it’s usually unproductive.

When was the last time you yelled at your partner about how you were feeling and something productive happened? We yell to release energy, get our partner’s attention, or feel powerful. Our partner may cave into the yelling and make a change, but it’s only temporary. We find ourselves right back where we started with the same conflict and the same fight happening. This leads to withdraw. Disconnection begins, and intimacy suffers.

Effective communication occurs when we let our principles do the driving.

You know your emotions are running the show when you can answer, “NO,” to the following questions:

• Do you want your partner to feel the anger, contempt, and disapproval you’re sending their way when you’re yelling at them?

• Do you want them to feel awful for whatever they did or didn’t do?

• Do you want your partner to withdraw from you because they got scared off?

• If you’re calling your partner names, did you really marry someone you believe deserves these titles or accusations?

Most of us answer, “NO,” in a hurry because the principled system (the thinking brain) does not want to operate this way. At our core, we want to be respectful and kind, and we care about our partner’s feelings and wellbeing.

Ask yourself: “How would I treat a friend in this situation?” or “What would I teach my child?” This separates the two systems and gives you a chance to realign with who you want to be. The tricky part is learning to sustain good communication when the emotional system is activated.

The past also influences how you behave. If you grew up with anxious or reactive parents, people who yelled or withdrew, or parents who gave you some version of the “walk it off and pull up your bootstraps” line, you didn’t have the opportunity to develop good communication or learn to regulate emotions. As an adult, you have to learn to identify your emotions, verbalize them respectfully, listen to and empathize with your partner’s emotions and needs, and problem solve productively.

Principled communication occurs when we slow down and do one thing at a time.

Choose your principles. Slow down. Every sentence in a conversation is a chance to connect or disconnect. When was the last time you slowed down with your partner and went sentence by sentence through a conversation? I’m not talking about the “word for word, pick apart what they are saying, and then defend yourself” kind of attention-to-detail. Or the “let me take notes on what a bad partner I am and criticize myself” kind of attentiveness. I mean slowing down and listening with empathy.

How you listen informs how you respond. How we respond teaches your partner if you are able and willing to connect. Repeated disconnections teach unreliability. This erodes connection and trust over time.

Problem solving cannot begin until a connection is made.

Choosing principles means to choose who you want to be and the rules you want to operate by. Fill in this sentence, “I want to be…” For example: I want to be respectful/kind/compassionate/patient. Then you have to behave that way. What would that sound like when you’re speaking? What would it look like in your actions? Word choice? Tone of voice? Probably not like the angry reactivity you began the conversation with. Or ended it with.

Effective communication begins with slowing down. This keeps your hands on the steering wheel, and keeps your thinking brain engaged and in charge.

Slow down. Keep yourself focused on one topic at a time. It will be your turn to discuss your problem after you are finished listening and responding to your partner’s problem fully.

Listen with empathy. What is the problem? What feelings are associated with the problem? Answer according to what your partner is saying, not what you think and feel.

Respond respectfully. Paraphrase and reflect what they said and how they feel. Ex: “It sounds like you’re frustrated that you’ve had to do the dishes several days in a row. It makes sense you’re tired. I would be, too.”

Offer a solution. What role are you willing to play in solving this problem?

Couples therapy is especially useful in developing communication skills.

Communicating with principles and maintaining respect is really difficult. Never be afraid to admit how hard it is and ask for help. We all struggle with this. Even seasoned professionals. Why? Because we are human! Emotions are part of what make us human and that part of the brain just doesn’t have a referee.

Effective couples therapy teaches the skills needed to understand emotions, and manage them so they don’t become destructive. Learning to communicate effectively requires coaching, either growing up, or in therapy as an adult. Feel free to reach out to discuss your needs.