Why are Couples’ Routines so Important to Relationships?
Healthy couples’ routines are important to your individual wellbeing and relationship health.
Routines are all the habits from the day-to-day to the not-so-often procedures or rituals couples participate in. Routines form connection, predictability, and stability in healthy couple relationships. How you want to wake up in the morning to how you go to bed at night are informed by your preferences and values.
Examples of routines include:
Waking up: Do you try to do that together or separately, who sets the alarm (or whose alarm wakes the other up), who gets up in the middle of the night with the kiddos, who gets them on the bus, off to school, packs lunches.
How you get to work: From self-care to preparation for work, packing lunch, checking the schedule, and how you get there (car, bus, walk, train).
Daily communication: How do you like to stay connected with your partner during the day or do you need radio silence because work is demanding and you’re unavailable? Do you need your partner to respond to your text, or do you just like sending it because that’s enough for you to feel connected? Do you plan lunch dates throughout the month? Do you work together or manage a business together?
Chores: Who does what? When? How much?
Parenting: Who does what? How do you like to reinforce desirable behavior? How do you like to handle undesirable behavior? How do you get me-time? How do you support each other when one person is intervening? How do you argue about what doesn’t go as planned?
Conflict: How do you disagree? Do you talk, argue, or fight? Does someone chase? Does someone distance? Do you work it out or wait for the mood cloud to blow over? Who initiates the first apology?
After work destress: Do you need separateness time because you’re overwhelmed by people and the day? Are you starving for adult connection because you’ve been with kids all day (hello to the stay-at-home parents and teachers)? Is the car ride home good enough to let you destress for the day or do you need to go for a run, watch TV, veg out? Is the walk from the home office to the kitchen not enough and you need a routine to help you transition from work-from-home to the rest of your life and responsibilities at home?
Bedtime: Does one of you do chores while the other bathes the kids? Do you need time by yourself to read, watch TV, play video games before you engage with your partner?
Sex. Oh, yes, sex. How do you decide who initiates? What’s on the menu and what’s not? Are you going for broke or keeping it familiar? Do you need to warm up the engine first or do you just like to jump in the pool headfirst?
Couples establish routines based on their preferences and values.
These are just some of the many daily routines couples encounter and must manage. Success is hinged on how informed you are of those, how you communicate, and how much you understand each other. It leaves a lot of room for success…or error.
Adding in the routines we don’t get to practice daily like traveling, visiting at the holidays, dealing with sick kids (OK…maybe more often than we want), managing bills, and dealing with life’s curveballs all require successful management of roles and lead to routines.
Successful couples understand their routines are rooted in good communication.
When routines are solid and everyone knows their role, recognizes the need for audits at times, and can negotiate changes successfully, couples have fun and feel pretty good. If you disagree about the who/what/when/why/where/how, then conflict ensues, and couples find themselves in conflict spirals and feeling drained.
Fortunately, couples counseling is an excellent way to discover and adjust struggles in communication breakdowns that lead to problems with routines. I teach couples in therapy how to understand and communicate their preferences and values in ways that help both people feel heard, valued, and balanced. If you find yourself arguing, out of sync, or needing some updating in the way life is going, feel free to reach out.
